Priceless Conversations

By Diana LaSalle

Connecting with others is an important part of happiness, but sometimes we let our communication styles, our busy lives or our own moods get in the way. These simple tips can help you tap into all your dimensions for richer, more rewarding conversations.

Get Connected
How many times have you jumped right in with what’s on your mind without taking the time to connect with the other person? We all do! Start off by saying hello using the person’s name. If it’s appropriate give a compliment or ask how the other person’s day is going. These simple pleasantries makes an emotional connection that trigger a sense of belonging, greater self-esteem, appreciation and well-being. So much and it only takes at few seconds!

Be Present
Practice active listening. Often we allow ourselves to wander into the past (remembering past slights or fears) or the future (worrying about what might come), especially if the conversation is uncomfortable. Listen to what is being said and respond (don’t react) based on what you know to be true NOW! There’s so much to learn and experience when we focus on the present moment.

Be Aware
Monitor your mental-emotional states by asking yourself “Am I at ease at this moment?” If you are, notice how it feels. It helps to build “happiness memory.” If not try to briefly analyze why. This is an intellectual exercise that disengages your emotional dimension temporarily, often easing tension or stress. It also helps you gain a greater understanding of yourself and the people and situations that cause you to be uncomfortable. Then you can do something about it!

Chose Control
When dealing with an out of control emotional situation ask yourself and others “What do I/you think?” “How can we work together to find a solution?” “Why don’t we take a minute and think about this?” All of these statements are intellectually based and help to disengage the emotional dimension temporarily and allow everyone to operate from a more harmonious place.

Sense
Use all of your senses to communicate with others. Notice your own and other’s body language. Is it open and welcoming or defensive and closed? Has something you’ve said or done caused someone to change their own body language for better or worse? Adjusting your own body language can often change the dynamics of a situation for the better. Also, listen to tone of voice. Intense, threatening or fearful tones trigger negative emotional responses in others. Soothing, clam, and supportive tones trigger positive ones. A steady, ordered, matter-of-fact delivery engages the intellectual dimension.

Be Positive
Focusing on the positive is proven to improve communications and well-being in general. When you need to direct others to do something, tell them what you want—not what you don’t want. Try this experiment. Say to someone “Don’t frown!” and see what happens. Then say “I want you to smile.” Focus on desired results and you’re more likely to get them. Another tip: Don’t project negative “what ifs” into the future or focus on “shoulds.” Instead focus on what feels good or best, right now.

Invite Participation
Many heads are often better than working in a vacuum of one. Inviting participation also forms closer bonds, and allows others to use their creativity to the benefit of the whole. By including as many people as possible in solving problems, creating new programs or making decisions it allows people to experience greater self-esteem, respect and a sense of belonging. It also enables people to make a difference and contribute to the greater good.

Say How You Feel
Letting people know how you feel (good or bad!) is key to good communications. It’s important to be as clear as possible and focus on your feelings, not someone else’s feelings or actions. We’re all responsible for our own happiness and well-being so no one else is really to blame. It’s okay though to say, “I don’t feel safe right now” or “I’m disappointed.” Don’t forget to acknowledge when you feel good too. Good feelings are contagious and multiply the more you focus on them.

Respond, Don’t React
We can chose how we respond to what’s going on around us. For example if someone has been critical of you, instead of trying to defend yourself (which is rarely necessary) try just saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “We’re all entitled to our own opinion.” With nothing to fuel the fire, a potentially negative situation is defused. Beside, how you see yourself is more important than how you perceive that others see you.


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